(2) Out of my Mind Bocephus Feces
* First of all, I was going to explain the glasses on Purple
Smarties, but they've since ceased to make them with "cool
shades". (I believe they're being simultaneously sued by
Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder.)
Society's Mistakes and why we should Appreciate them
I've spent countless hours being grateful to a man in New
York. We've all heard about him, y'know, that guy whose dick
fell off in the bath after he shot it full of coke. Well I
Believe that he is on of our unsung heroes of today. If he's
still alive, that poor bastard, I believe I'd like to shake his
hand. Well, maybe not his hand, or any other part of him for
that matter, after all I don't know where he's been. However...
I would still like to extend my sincerest congrats on his
important discovery as well as my warmest heartfelt thanks.
I Know I'll never consider injecting my penis with any foreign
substance again. All because of one mans startlingly
groundbreaking idea!
Many times I have resisted that natural urge to spray
"no-stick cooking spray" up my nose. I was very fortunate not
to be born too curious because I have since found out that it
is lethal. That's right, once again we need to give thanks
to a certain teenage girl, how buried in her hometown of Tofino
California. We are all human (well at least I am, I assume that
you are too if you are reading this, but my apologies to all
those non-sentient un-men out there.) We all have the desire
to discover the unknown. To comprehend the illogical. To
grab science by the short hairs and say, "You've got a ways to
yet!" We experiment, hey it's what we do. But why should we
only applaud the successful. I at least believe in that age old
belief that we can learn a lot from our mistakes.
On, and here's a tip for the ladies: If you are going to douche
with lighter fluid, don't stand near an open flame.
the end.
The Red Smarties Predicament
Editor's Note
Last month, as our regular readers will recall, we published
the thought provoking essay "The Signifigance of Red Smarties".
Ever since we have been recieving letters, some from concerned
readers, some from teachers of physics and theory, and still
others from unemployable psychotics. People of all ages, races
and sexual orientation have written us. Some try to correct us,
others blatently debunk us. We cannot over emphasize what a
bunch of FUCKING ASSHOLES YOU PEOPLE ARE! JESUS CHRIST! WHAT
WE PUBLISHED WAS ONE MAN'S OPINION! YOU READ IT, YOU THINK ABOUT
IT, YOU AGREE, YOU DISAGREE. WE'RE NOT SAYING HE IS RIGHT!
So, due to the overwhelming interest in the subject, we are
reprinting the original essay along with some of the rationally
opinioned letters.
the end.
letters not included, please send 15 dollars plus shipping and handling
to the address below, and we will send you a complete copy.
p/o box 7429
Cocks 'R' Us
New Westminster Quay
Feature Survey: What kind of Bastard are you?
Scenario #1: You're on the bus, there's one seat left but it's in
the old people section, you see an elderly woman with
blue hair, vericose veins, two shopping bags, a bingo
parlour hat and a moustache heading for that seat.
Do you:
-10 A: Let her take the seat, after all she's elderly and...
5 B: Deliberatley induce vomit onto forementioned seat,
if you can't have it, no one can.
20 C: Club her over the back of the head with that wrench
you keep in your back pocket, tear her zellers special
dress off, throw her off the bus through the window
and keep her shopping bags.
10 D: Let her take the seat and throw that whiny kid off
the bus so you can seit near his somewhat attractive
mother.
Scenario #2: You're at a major sporting event, there's a 20 minute
line up for the bathroom.
Do you:
-10 A: Wait in line like everyone else.
5 B: Find a corner.
10 C: Who needs corners?
20 D: beat the living crap out of everyone in the line up.
Scenario #3: You're out slumming, you've been approached by the
same panhandler 4 times, he's drunk, scruffy and
really pissing you off!
You:
-10 A: Give him money hoping he'll go away.
5 B: Get him arrested.
10 C: Beat him up.
20 D: Beat the living shit out of him, take his money,
booze and clothes, and then get him arrested.
Scenario #4: You are watching your favorite TV show, when the doorbell
rings. You can see through the peephole in the door
that it's a couple of girl guides with cookies.
You:
-10 A: Open the door, be nice and buy cookies.
5 B: Shout obscenities through the door until they leave.
10 C: Get the shotgun, blow their faces off, take the cookies.
50 D: Open door, buy cookies, shove them up their asses,
ejaculate of them, then, eat the cookies...
the end.
* The opinions expressed here, are not the opinions of the current editor.
Any complaints can be directed to HELL you cocksucking FUCKFACES.
* The current location of Bocephus Feces is unknown. He has
been spotted propositioning employees at the movie theatres in
metrotown.
